


Those Who Hurt You

by keeplovinanyway



Series: your mental health and the way it makes me feel [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 19:30:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10315391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keeplovinanyway/pseuds/keeplovinanyway
Summary: Phil knows things about Dan's past that make it hard for him to like Dan's parents.But he will try, for Dan.





	1. Chapter 1

„You don‘t like my parents, do you.“ Dan’s voice sounds defeated, and for the first time in a long while, Phil doesn’t know what to tell him.

Sometimes, Phil gets annoyed with his own brain for being slow and not picking up on things early enough and he wishes it was brighter, faster, like Dan’s maybe is. But at other times, it zips around like crazy, going from one thought to another and the feelings whir in his head so much that he isn’t sure what he’s thinking at all. This moment is one of the latter.

Phil’s first thought is about when he last heard Dan talk to his parents. He’d heard his mom’s voice on the phone, loud and annoyed, and Dan’s answers had been passive aggressive. Phil was on the other end of the sofa, holding himself together because normally he didn’t get angry at others, but he was having a hard time not yanking the phone out of his boyfriend’s hand and yelling at the woman that talked to this precious being like that. If it hadn’t been for the fact he knew Dan would be angry at him for intervening, he’d have went through with it.

The moment when Phil first met Mr. and Mrs. Howell was forever engraved in his brain. He remembers standing on the side, seeing them interact, and being quiet, oh so quiet like he never his. Sure, he might be shy around strangers sometimes, but he knows he can be charming and he doesn’t have problems being that whenever he needs to. But with Dan’s parents, Phil was just silent. His brain kept reminding him of the fact that they were real, and what they’d done, and how they were still in Dan’s life and he just _hurt_ on the inside.

One time, Dan’s parents had visited him in Manchester, but Dan had suddenly become sick and asked Phil to pick them up from the train station. Phil did his polite small talk and kept his eyes trained on the traffic ahead of him. His head swam with “you hurt him you hurt him you hurt him”. He’d been glad that they didn’t know him well, because anyone else would have seen from a mile away that something was absolutely not right with the way he was acting. They didn’t notice, though. They asked him about things that Dan had lied to them about and Phil gritted his teeth and hoped he didn’t mess up.

No, Phil doesn’t like Dan’s parents. In fact he fucking hates their guts for all the extremely violent things they did to a helpless child, and maybe even more so for instilling those doubts and that self-hatred in this delicate mind he loves. He’s imagined standing before Dan and protecting him and hitting them, and god, dear god, Philip Michael Lester _never_ hits people. He hasn’t done so once in his life and he even felt guilty thinking this about them, but the satisfaction that the day dream gave him frightened him in it’s intensity. He can’t remember another time he’s been so angry at someone, ever.

But now Dan’s all small and fragile across from him, and Phil suddenly realized that Dan loves his parents.

The moment shakes his world. It makes so much sense that he knows it’s true, it explains too much for it not to be. But Phil hadn’t thought about that before and it doesn’t feel _good,_ it doesn’t feel right, he doesn’t _want_ that.

Phil looks at Dan again. He’s got his head down, teeth worrying his chapped lip, and has torn the napkin in front of him to tiny pieces.

Suddenly he feels guilty for ever thinking that his own family could replace Dan’s, just take him into theirs, just make him feel loved and it’d be okay. He’d imagined it, it felt so easy, but now the thought seems silly as he sees the weight on Dan’s shoulders and how much more real and complicated all of this is than Phil ever thought it’d be.

He kind of feels guilty for hating his parents now, too. But he can’t just change that and he can’t just forget what he knows they did and he also can’t lie. Especially not to Dan.

As he speaks up, finally, his voice is soft but it startles Dan anyway. “I’m not sure,” he says. In the past few moments so many thoughts have crossed his mind, that it’s almost true.

“What does that mean?” Dan’s expression is cautious, and Phil thinks he gets that. It takes him a beat to sort his thoughts into something he can put into words without hurting Dan too much.

“I just...” he pauses, swallows, rubs his fingers, then continues. “It’s hard for me to know what they did to you. Or… are doing to you. They- it’s- it’s not okay.” Phil knows he’d tear up if they weren’t in a crowded restaurant, and if Dan didn’t look that lost.

“They haven’t done that in forever,” Dan says in a defensive voice and dread settles low in Phil’s stomach. He doesn’t want to argue. “They do so much for me, I don’t know where I’d be without them.”

There’s a billion things on Phil’s tongue and he’s glad the moment is too delicate for him to spill them. The one thing he can’t stop is a question that’s been on his mind for months now.

“When was the last time th- they hit you?” Phil pretends his voice doesn’t waver at that. He’s not sure he wants to hear the answer.

Dan still sounds defensive and slightly angry as he replies with, “Not since before I moved out.” He pauses, then, much softer, “I want you to like them. They pay for uni, they helped me move, they do so much for me.”

Phil feels like there’s a lot between the lines that he can’t read, or just doesn’t understand, and he has so many thoughts but none of them are the type that you can see clearly in your mind.

Dan crosses his arms over his chest. “You want me to like your parents too, don’t you.”

That’s different, Phil thinks, that’s so different because mine don’t _hit_ me, but he doesn’t say that and he feels really, really awful in this conversation. He is tired, suddenly.

He settles on replying with, “I am glad they haven’t hit you anymore.” He can see that it makes Dan uncomfortable that he says that, but it’s the only thing that makes sense to him right now, and it’s true.

They are both quiet for a moment. Phil looks around the restaurant, watches the people and the buzzing without really seeing it. His mind is occupied with all they said and haven’t said, and he slowly settles in with the knowledge that Dan, somehow, loves his parents, and that he wants Phil to like them too. Phil knows he can’t really understand what that is like. But it does make sense to him, that Dan maybe wants that, just wants his parents like every child does. Phil knows that Dan suffered in his childhood, but he supposes there must be parts that were happy too. They just haven’t talked a lot about that. And, to be fair, he shouldn’t have assumed what Dan’s feelings were.

But this is hard to talk about and Dan likes it even less than Phil does, so he never knows when to bring it up. He’s glad that he knows now that they don’t hit him anymore. The thoughts still worry on his mind, and this conversation maybe brought up more questions than it answered, but it’s a slow process, Phil supposes.

He sighs under his breath as his gaze finds Dan’s again. Phil is not that good with words but he tries to say that he’s sorry he doesn’t like Dan’s parents with his eyes, and hopes that Dan gets it. “I love you,” he says out loud, because that’s easier. He craves closeness and cuddles. Dan looks closed off. He says it back at least.

On the way back home – their home, they really share a home -, Phil tries for cheery and Dan is quiet. Phil lets him.

It’s a lot, and Phil knows it’s about twenty billion times as much for Dan. He just hopes these things will get easier with time, for both of them. He really, really hopes for that.


	2. Chapter 2

“I think I miss your parents. I’d like to meet them again.” Phil knows the weight those words carry, but he didn’t know just how much Dan’s eyes would light up at hearing him say them. He smiles a little, sure that his face tells that he means it.

Still, Dan has to ask: “Really?” His entire posture and expression says surprised hope. It hurts a tiny little bit, but Phil needed time and he knows he couldn’t have done this earlier, coming from heart.

Now, he nods. “Really. I think I really like them now.”

Dan puts his laptop down on the coffee table, carefully and slowly, makes sure it sits there safely and even traces it’s shape with his fingers before he turns back around to Phil. His eyes are full of raw emotion and Phil opens his arms and invites him in. Dan’s weight settles familiarly against his body; he loves it.

“Took you long enough, you twat.”

Phil chuckles, “Sometimes I am just slow like that. Sorry I suck.” As Phil speaks, he feels Dan’s head move with the rumble in his chest.

“You’re good at sucking though,” Dan smirks. Phil pinches his side and waits. He looks at Dan’s wavy hair and thinks he can almost see the thoughts forming beneath it. He knows he wants to explain more, but he will let Dan set the pace. Plus, he is kind of unsure in this situation; they really don’t talk often about Dan’s parents.

Just as he’s about to speak again, Dan beats him to it.

“What do you like about them?”

Of course that question would come. Always needing reassurance, always wanting to be safe.

“I know that they have changed a lot from how they used to be. I like that they support you now, with everything. When your mom apologized… that changed a lot for me. Yeah, of course I still feel kind of sick when I think about the past, and it was so wrong what they did, but I know now that it’s the past. And, also… I just have grown to like them as people.” Although it’s the simplest, the last bit feels like the heaviest to say. Because for him, it really isn’t simple at all, not in this situation.

For Dan it isn’t either, judging from how he nuzzles further into the fox jumper Phil’s wearing. He is silent, for a while, until Phil’s asking “you okay?”, and then Dan sits up and there’s tears in his eyes and Phil is shocked and Dan chuckles a watery smile, because of course he’d cry, he always cries. They hug a little with holds just a bit tighter than usual.

When they move apart, Dan grabs Phil’s hand, thigh still pressed against his. Phil places a little kiss on Dan’s knuckles and smiles, and Dan smiles back, then sighs.

“I wasn’t sure if you would ever like them. I’ve really just kind of accepted that you wouldn’t, and I hated you a little for it-” Phil flinches, and Dan squeezes his hand in return, “but to be fair I might have been even worse if it was the other way round.”

“You would have plucked their eyeballs out the first time you met them.”

“Plucked?! Jesus Christ Phil, the images…,” he hides his face in his hand. It’s cute.

“Do you understand it, though? Why this was so hard for me?” He doesn’t want Dan to think that he was just being weird or insensitive. He wants him to understand how horrible it is to know your loved one abused by others. How much it takes to get to know them for who else they are, and to forgive (which is still very different from forgetting).

“Yeah. Of course I do.”

Phil is relieved, and he kind of wants to talk more about it but he also kind of really doesn’t, because while they are very open by now, they’re still so not used to talking about this particular subject and Phil thinks it’s probably best to take this slower, and come back to it in a few week’s time, and then talk some more.

“I love you,” he says, and it means _thank you for understanding me_ and _I am so proud of you and of us_ and _they better never hurt you again_ and _maybe I just like them because it means so much to you but the feeling is still real, I promise_ and also just plain _I love you so very much_. Dan shuts his thoughts up with a kiss and another one and eventually some grinding and petting and even more kisses. They end up having sex right there on the couch, because any excuse to have sex is a good one. Also they are feeling pretty emotional about this whole thing, so who’s to judge them, really.

Tomorrow Dan will call his parents and they’ll make plans to visit for the weekend. Phil will smile at him from across the room. It’ll be quiet and understood and really close.

Things actually do get better, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Aaah thanks for reading!
> 
> \- I am obviously in no way implying that I think Dan's been abused as a child, it's fan-FICTION, children (just making sure)  
> \- It isn't okay for parents to hit their kids, ever. It isn't okay for them to constantly talk down on them and emotionally abuse them either. Still, many children in these situations don't completely hate their parents, and that is valid and okay. Same goes for my Phil here, who ends up liking Dan's parents despite what they did. It's okay to know that someone's done something very damaging and condemn that, but at the same time appreciate that they changed and try to lessen the effects of what they did.  
> \- If you struggle with something similar to what this fic mentioned, it's okay to look for help. Feel free to dm me on twitter (@heartfeltoakley) or tumblr (@heartfeltfangirl) if you don't know who else to turn to!  
> \- Thanks again for reading, you're a peach and make me smile :)


End file.
